When Ryan assigned me this blog in class I was immediately excited for everything I could write about. I had about 100 different ideas and directions I could go in because this class is so special to me. It has taught me more about myself than I ever thought a class could, and then once I stepped back onto the streets of NYC I promptly forgot about it. Spoiler alert, Ryan… every time you asked how it was going and I said “Great! Almost done!” – I hadn’t even started. But isn’t that what life is? Or what life tends to be? An endless parade of trying to hide your vulnerability and truth deep down so you don’t appear to be the mess you actually are?
HEY EVERYBODY! YOU ARE A MESS. A BEAUTIFUL, STUPID, AMAZING MESS! And THAT is why people love you. You are loved because of these wonderful vulnerabilities that make you… you. YOU are enough, exactly as you are.
Ok let’s get some back story up in here. I have lived in this city for 6 years. I graduated with my BFA in music theatre from WSU (Go Shox!) and took the big leap to move to NYC 6 months after graduation in January 2010. A of all, who moves to New York in January? It was cold as balls and I’m pretty sure it was snowing. This Texas girl was like “WTF, it’s snowing and I have only one really great friend here, but this is my purpose! I am DOING IT!” And then shit got real. I moved here with a dream and a plan and slowly but surely life got in the way – bills to pay, friends to see, adventures to have – bed bugs, taxi accidents, dating – The doubt set in. The realization that you have to fit into a box to belong. The fear that actually going after what you want might mean failing hard with no one to blame but yourself. I started to lose confidence in the person I was and the very special gifts I had to offer because this city is a monster. It’s rough out there, man.
You know what is exhausting? Trying to be someone you are not. Always thinking that if you were thinner, prettier, or different you would just walk into the life you belong in. So you lose yourself in trying to be this someone you THINK you should be.
And then you lose sight of why you even came here! You have lost your JOY. You have lost the EXCITEMENT and LOVE for what you do and you are too afraid to admit these things.
You just want to scream “THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT. I WAS MEANT FOR MORE THAN THIS AND EVERYTHING HURTS.” Guess what? That’s ok. Turns out, only being your authentic self will put you on the path you truly need to be on. The path that was meant for only you. How to be yourself is the hardest lesson you will ever have to learn.
If I could sum up in one word what MCS has taught me these past 2 years it is connection. It has changed my life. Not only does being present, listening, being there for the other person, making them more important than you, owning your feelings and expressing them improve your acting, it also improves your life. Being able to allow and feel your feelings is so powerful and once you’re able to do that yourself, you can recognize and appreciate it in the people around you.
There is nothing more freeing than giving yourself permission to be you. You are enough. Exactly as you are. The hurt, the sad, the frustration, the joy, the love. All of it. Never lose sight of yourself. You are worth it.