"i am home" by Samuel Ladd
living in new york city for 11 years could allegedly make one seem bitter. well maybe not bitter... resigned. possibly resigned to the fact that I will always have to stand on the 1 train from 145th street to 59th street while en route to work because it's apparently always rush hour and too many people live in this city. perhaps resigned to the fact that i'm single because no one in this city is actually looking to be in a relationship or make a real connection and men are the worst. potentially resigned to the fact... well, i think you see my point. but all of these things are fine. it's just life. i'm fine. it really doesn't affect me. i'm fine... i'm fine. i remember being so ready to jump into this work. being a sober gay man from the midwest moving to the city to make all his dreams come true... i had done the work. i KNEW myself. i knew who i was. i was about to kick meisner's ass. "be open. be available." well of course, that's who i am, so honest, so in touch. enter matthew corozine. "...don't think, words have no meaning, you're putting your opinion on top of the truth, do you know you're doing that, STOP DOING THAT!!" ...he yelled at me. "well i'm not doing it on purpose!", i yelled back. he was telling me i had fixed ways of being that had been with me for so long they felt like they were who i was. he was asking me to open a door to a room of emotions i probably hadn't accessed since '87... a door that was locked, and a room i didn't even know existed. it's what we do, right?! compartmentalize. it's protection. it's how we survive on this planet. "it's great for the world. it's terrible for your art". matt's passion is immeasurable. he cares... A LOT. he cares in a way i've never experienced before. it's contagious and i'm obsessed. telling the truth is hard. it can be vulnerable. that's hard. removing bricks from a wall you hadn't realized you built to reveal a locked door to a room you didn't know was there...hard. i'm not sure i even know what i just said. matthew corozine hasn't made any of these things easy. he's made them possible. he's created the safest place to come and be. just be. whatever it is that day, wherever you are that day, it doesn't matter. getting to experience the safety of expressing who you truly are, getting to experience the journey of discovering who you truly are... well it's insane. you just don't get this anywhere else. someone once said, "the truth will set you free", i don't know who said it, but they said it and it's true. matthew has a space for truth. freedom. safety. growth. compassion. care. empowerment. LOVE. in a world we walk to survive in, it is the most precious thing to have a place to come and thrive in. i am learning about work that is so hard and SO worth it. i am becoming not only a better actor but a better person.
and completely resigned to the fact that in this place, i am home.